Such Sweet Agony

Okay Batties, this is where I get serious, I’m going to share something from my Christian days that I wrote in my journal back in June 2002. I had not long left mainstream Christianity for a less common Christian group who still kept true to the Old Testament holy days.  This is exactly what I wrote back then. . . .

“I have had a sad week. I’m sad that people I thought were my friends aren’t. I’m sad that I have to travel one and half hours to church. I’m sad to discover this church does not allow women to speak in church or pray out loud. And finally, I’m sad that I don’t have anyone to share my faith with. I’m bursting with wonderful truths from God’s Word but have no outlet. So yes, I’m sad, pathetic isn’t it?


It’s as though God has stripped everything away except for Himself and His Word. All the fleshly stuff (dancing, clapping and praying out loud) is no more. I miss the style of worship and prayer, yet it’s all worth it to know more of my King and my Saviour. How bitter sweet it is to love the Lord. It’s a sweet kind of agony. I’m consumed with a desire to know Him more, which is delightful but the letting go of things in order to know Him is agony. And so is the realisation that I know Him so little. There is much, much more to my God and my King than I’ll ever know or understand in this life! I yearn to know Him more, to love Him better than I do.

J – – Sch – – mentioned to my Mum that she is looking for women writers to contribute to the Good News Magazine and wondered if I’d ever thought to do something like that!”


Note the genuine passion, agony, longing, love and sacrifice. A spiritual walk is never an easy choice and those who say that it is a crutch do not understand the enormity of commitment and sacrifice a seeking heart will gladly embrace in search of ‘truth’. I have long left religion and now know that the ‘God’ I was seeking back then is my Higher Self.

J – – Sch – – would be horrified to read this. Little did any of us know that one day I would write of spiritual things but not in the religious concept!

Have you had similar struggles growing spiritually/consciously?

One thought on “Such Sweet Agony

  1. Yes I have like you it’s devastating to find that things you were sure were 100 percent correct are not a painful process


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