A Bruised Heart

Okay Batties, this is an unusual post for me, I don’t usually venture into current affairs. However, on this occasion I can feel my blood boiling and need an outlet before I literally explode (very messy)!

What’s got me all a kilter? It’s this bloody awful Harvey Weinstein expose, for want of a better word.

I am mostly responding to an article I read in the Daily Mail by a columnist. She likes the term ‘sisterhood’, in particular ‘cowardly sisterhood’! In the article she pretty much hangs her fellow ‘sisters’ out to dry, over their late revealing of alleged attacks by the aforementioned man (I cannot use the word gentleman for obvious reasons).

As a victim of rape, I feel that I have something of value to say. You see, I haven’t ever spoken out against the individual who raped me. The reasons are manifold…. When the incident happened I was serving in the British Army overseas. If I had spoken out, I’m sure I would’ve been believed as my injuries were extensive. But, I, not him, would’ve been immediately relocated. I was already a long way from home and did not want to be moved from what was a second family to me. I was in total shock and never even told my roommate. I just stayed in bed for three days (fortunately, I was a shift worker and on my days off).

For me the trauma caused my brain to shut down and I have no memory of the actual rape. I do remember him locking me in the room and the initial nervous laugh I gave, thinking he was joking around (strange what the mind thinks when in initial stages of danger) and the ensuing struggle. I do not recall leaving that room or the walk back to my home. To this day any scene in films etc. where a person is locked in a room, causes me to feel anxious.

I was full of recrimination and shame. Did I somehow play a part in it? The answer is an emphatic NO! I didn’t trust my instincts, so naivety and a kind heart were what put me geographically in that room. I felt unclean and ashamed that somehow I’d let this happen to me. I certainly didn’t want any more intrusion/exposure of not only my body to medical staff, photographer, police, court, arrrhhh! But my mind, my soul and my heart, scrutinized and laid bare for all to see….unthinkable!

“Why didn’t you scream for help?”

Why didn’t I? This was a painful question I repeatedly asked myself. It was years later when a Shamanic Healer I deeply trust explained that any incident where the brain thinks it’s in a life threatening situation, it makes a split second decision on whether there’s a chance of escape or whether it’s better to play dead. This decision is not made on a conscious level.A Bruised Heart Oct 2017

So to be called cowardly for not speaking out and saving others from my plight is of no help at all. It wasn’t until years later that I even had the thought that he might rape someone else! I thought it was something to do with me that caused it to happen!

These actresses and actors (it’s not just women who will have suffered like this) have not spoken out for a myriad of reasons. I am not going to presume to know their personal reasons but being believed, public scandal and loss of a career might figure in there. And let’s face it the alleged perpetrator has a massive legal team at his disposal.

So to all those who want to jump on the ‘cowardly sisterhood’ bandwagon, just stop a moment and consider that you’re ‘sisters’ are not cowards but wounded and have endured enough already!

 

One thought on “A Bruised Heart

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s